Introduction to Spirituality
I was born in 1979 in Seville, Ohio, and got off to a great start by getting baptized as a Catholic when I was less than a month old. However, my parents left the Church when I was around two years old, for reasons that are still unclear to me. This led me to grow up without a faith tradition. We did not pray, we did not talk about Jesus, and we certainly did not go to church. The topic of religion was simply not discussed. In my mind, it was something that was for other people, but not for me. My life was focused on pleasing my parents, getting good grades, and dancing. My mom opened a dance studio when I was five years old, and performing became my entire life. I could not wait to go to Broadway one day!
This led to my pursuit of a Musical Theatre degree at Otterbein College (now Otterbein University) in 1997. As part of the curriculum, Otterbein required a religion course. Since I had no interest in religion, I simply wanted to pick a course that fit most conveniently into my schedule. It turned out to be Buddhism and Zen. I had no idea what that meant; I was only focused on getting my “A” and moving on. As it turned out, that course was my first exposure to spirituality of any kind, and I loved it. In fact, when I could pick any topic for my Senior Project, I picked Buddhism and Zen. I was very attracted to the concept of non-attachment and meditation. I read a great number of books, went on a Buddhist retreat, and wrote a final paper on the topic. While I found it all to be very interesting, when I was done with school, I completely dropped my spiritual pursuit. I was extremely excited to get started with real life!
“Real Life” in Hollywood
Instead of going east to Broadway, I decided to go west to Hollywood to pursue my dream of becoming a performer. It took about eight years to realize that real life is really hard. I had some wonderful experiences, but I also had some significant difficulties, which prompted me to return to my spiritual journey. I dusted off my Buddhism books, returning to the only spirituality I was familiar with. This eventually led me to yoga, and I became extremely open to anything under the umbrella of the New Age. I threw myself into this pursuit and eventually found myself with a 200-hour Yoga Teaching Certification. I loved Louise Hay and anything from Hay House Radio. I followed gurus such as B.K.S. Iyengar, Paramahansa Yogananda, Yongey Mingyur Rinpoche, Ram Dass, and Krishna Das.
At the same time, my career really began to take off, as I decided to move into the business side of the entertainment industry. I went back to school and got my MBA from the University of La Verne and worked for about twelve years at Universal Studios Hollywood in the Creative Department. I then shifted into TV Distribution at NBCUniversal and eventually to Worldwide Contract Management at Twentieth Century Fox. I really felt as if I had it all figured out. Not only was I super spiritual, but I was a successful businesswoman climbing the corporate ladder. I even had plans to start my own consulting business, teaching yoga to businessmen and women, called MBA Yogi. I am pretty certain I used the phrase, “spiritual but not religious” on at least one occasion. I also loved using the word “universe” instead of God. This verbiage is very common for those who are into the New Age movement and practice eastern religions. Between my spiritual practice and worldly success, my future seemed brighter than ever before.
I Don’t Know Who I Am Anymore
You can imagine my surprise when I found myself feeling unexpectedly empty. It did not make sense. I had everything I wanted and expected to continue to achieve even more. However, when I was on Christmas break in 2014, I found myself actually telling my parents, “I don’t know who I am anymore.” I was not sure what I meant by that statement. I didn’t feel depressed emotionally and was in the best shape of my life physically. I just felt like I had lost myself. The only solution that came to mind was that I had to leave LA. I thought that if I got closer to nature, where it was quiet, I would figure out what was wrong.
As I reflect on my spiritual practice at the time, it was very much about “emptying” and “surrendering.” Apparently, I was so good at emptying, I had completely lost who I was. At the same time, I had no idea who or what I was surrendering to! This felt very good initially. I had always been tightly wound, and the idea that I was “nothing” and “nothing mattered” was attractive. It helped me to relax. On the flip side however, it could lead to a kind of nihilism and depression. Simultaneously, there was not much structure to my spirituality. My patterns were simply based on my mood and what I wanted to do that day. Of course, I would have labeled them as “spiritual,” but in the end, I was making myself God. I found this juxtaposition of emptying and yet making oneself God very common in the spiritual practices that fall under the New Age/eastern religion umbrella. It drew me in because it seemed to relieve stress, while also giving the illusion of empowerment. However, it eventually led to confusion and despair, because we were made for so much more.
We will never achieve complete peace and the fullness of joy on our own. Jesus is the only One who can give us what we are seeking: “I came that they may have life, and have it abundantly” (John 10:10). Underneath all of this spiritual seeking, I was in a state of mortal sin. Even though I did not know or understand the concept of sin yet, I could instinctively feel my separation from God. That is likely why I did not know who I was any more. For the very core of who I am is bound to the One who created me. This is a testament to the indelible mark of baptism that I had received years ago.
Of course, I didn’t know any of these things at that time. All I knew was that the situation was dire, and I had to do something. I went into my boss’s office and told her that I would work remotely or it would be my two-week notice. Working remotely full-time was not looked upon favorably in 2015, but she begrudgingly agreed to it. Everyone thought I was crazy. While I could not explain it, and did not try, I was prepared for any consequences resulting from my decision. I put everything I could fit into my car, threw away the rest, and moved to Sedona, Arizona. I can now see God’s hand in this movement of the heart. Because of this experience, the Scripture verse, “I will allure her, and bring her into the wilderness, and speak tenderly to her” (Hosea 2:14), has taken a special meaning in my life.
The first year I was in Sedona, I felt as if I had everything figured out once again. I was able to buy a home, which I could never have afforded in LA. Working from home gave me a lot of extra time to hike and get into nature. I found myself on a trail almost every day. The New Age scene is very prevalent in Sedona, and I dove into it headfirst. I went to meditation centers, yoga festivals, the Buddhist Stupa, and tried every New Age treatment I could find.
Coming Home
In June 2016, about a week before I was going to attend a Buddhist Retreat, I had a dream of Jesus. I woke up completely confused. I thought, “Why would Jesus come to me? I do not pray or go to church. He must have gotten lost!” Even though it seemed incredibly real and made an impression, I brushed it off and headed to my retreat with Yongey Mingyur Rinpoche. I loved the retreat and decided I was officially Buddhist.
However, over the next six months, some strange things started to happen. I always say that Jesus was courting me. I read a book about a Buddhist nun called Cave in the Snow: A Western Woman’s Quest for Enlightenment by Tenzin Palmo. She lived in a cave for twelve years, and after she emerged from the cave, she went to Assisi, Italy. She spoke very highly about the nuns of Assisi, which led me to look up Assisi and learn about Saint Francis. As many people do, I easily fell in love with him. Then, I was listening to a Buddhist podcast from Lama Surya Das, where he spoke about the Serenity Prayer. He urged his listeners to look up this prayer, especially the second part. I did and fell in love with the prayer as well. Another time, I was listening to a talk by the famous New Age guru, Ram Dass, and he spoke about sin! This was the first time I had heard someone talk about sin, let alone say that if you sin, you will not get to God. I had never thought of such things before. Finally, when I went to pick up my dog from a boarding facility, I noticed a wooden cross on the counter. The owner saw that I was intrigued by it and encouraged me to take it. Attached to the cross was a piece of paper that said, “I am the way, and the truth, and the life; no one comes to the Father, but by me” (John 14:6). I thought to myself, “Could this be true?”
As December rolled around and these experiences settled in my mind and heart, I thought to myself that perhaps I should check out the Catholic Church. After all, I was baptized Catholic. I visited the website of my local Catholic Church, St. John Vianney. It was woefully out of date, but I do remember it saying that people should come because they have the seven sacraments. However, I had no idea what that meant. I decided to call to get more information. I asked the secretary if I needed to buy a ticket; I had no idea that a person could just show up to church, free of charge. I asked if someone would show me to my seat and let me know what to do. My only frame of reference was the theatre. She told me to just simply come and find a seat.
It was January 2017 when I finally went to my first Mass. I sat in the back and had no clue what was going on but imitated the movements the best I could. I do not remember what was said, but I do remember being intrigued by the Eucharist. I thought that if everyone was drinking out of the same cup, something really good must be in there. I also noticed the care and time taken to “do the dishes” afterwards. On my way home, I called my father, and he explained that Catholics believe that the Eucharist is the Body and Blood of Jesus Christ. By the grace of God, that instantly made complete sense to me after what I had just seen at Mass, and I never questioned it.
The next time I went, I decided to approach the priest. I explained that I did not know what was happening, but I wanted to know. I asked him how I could find out. He replied, “Just keep coming to Mass,” and walked away. I knew that was not going to help, because I had no idea what was happening at Mass. I felt like the Ethiopian in Acts, when “Philip ran to him, and heard him reading Isaiah the prophet and asked, ‘Do you understand what you are reading?’ And he said, ‘How can I, unless some one guides me?’” (Acts 8:30–31). I was determined and called another parish down the road. Thankfully, they had an RCIA program, and the teacher, Janis Cassiere, also became my mentor and my friend.
My Eyes Were Opened
It was now February of 2017, so it was too late for me to come into the Church at Easter Vigil. Instead, they decided to offer a special class beginning in June, which would allow me to receive the Sacrament of Confirmation during Advent. As it turned out, it was one of the most magical years of my life. I remember hearing the Gospel for the first time and my heart was burning. I thought, “Why isn’t everyone here!? This is amazing!” I felt as if I had discovered a treasure. All my life I was yearning to hear words like, “Therefore I tell you, do not be anxious about your life, what you shall eat or what you shall drink, nor about your body, what you shall put on. Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothing?” (Matthew 6:25). I could not get enough of the beautiful words I was hearing each week and finally got a Bible of my own and began to devour it.
I remember attending a Bible Study during this time and revealing my favorite part to the group, as if they had never heard it before: “The wind blows where it wills, and you hear the sound of it, but you do not know whence it comes or whither it goes; so it is with every one who is born of the Spirit” (John 3:8). I gleefully dropped my Bible and looked around, expecting everyone to be as excited about this verse as I was. Instead, I found that they were all quite familiar with this chapter. They explained that John 3:16 was often shown during football games. I was shocked that everyone knew this, and somehow, I had never gotten the memo! I had a similar experience at Mass when I heard of the raising of Lazarus. I looked around expecting everyone to be losing their minds over what we were just told. On the contrary, I found everyone to be acting as if this was normal “everyday” information.
I went to the Triduum that year, even though I was not yet officially Catholic. On Good Friday, the church was kept dark. I remember kneeling and looking up at the Crucifix and realizing for the first time in my life that Jesus died for me. God incarnated as a man so that He could die for me and save me. This must mean that I am important to Him, which meant that I needed to live my life in a particular way now. In fact, the only appropriate response to this information was to give my life to Him completely. I never have and never will get over the fact that the King of Heaven and Earth died for me. I am reminded of the verse in “O Holy Night” where we sing, “He appeared, and the soul felt its worth.” This perfectly describes what happened to me in that amazing moment.
I did experience a temptation during this special year. My boss at Twentieth Century Fox called to joyfully tell me that they wanted to give me a promotion. It would be a Director level position with a six-figure salary. This was everything I had been working toward in my career. The only caveat was that I had to move back to LA. I knew that if I moved back to LA, I would fall right back into my old life. With that said, I did consider it but ultimately decided not to accept the offer. I had discovered a treasure and knew I was too weak to hold onto it if I was put into a position of temptation. It was not worth the risk. I told my boss that I loved my life in Sedona, and that I just couldn’t leave. Her response was to scold me for not recognizing this amazing opportunity. She explained that there were many women my age who would want what she was giving me. I was not swayed. I knew in my heart, mind, and soul that I was making the right decision. I was a woman, too, and I wanted Jesus. Three years later, Twentieth Century Fox was bought by Disney, and the entire department was eliminated.
When RCIA began that summer, Janis brought ruby slippers to class on the first day. She explained that it might seem silly, but she brought them to remind us that we could always come home. I almost fell out of my chair. The Wizard of Oz was my favorite movie when I was a kid. I did not just love it; I was obsessed with it. I had every line and song memorized and knew all of the trivia. I knew at that moment that God was with me. My heart was full, knowing how specific He is with each and every one of us, letting us know how much He loves us. I left after class each week bursting with excitement at what I was learning. A whole new world was opening up to me that I never knew existed.
I had my first Confession in October and was, understandably, very nervous. I was thirty-eight years old at this time and had many grave sins to confess, many of which I had never spoken aloud. I decided that I needed to write them down, but was concerned that I would drop the paper, and it would somehow be traced back to me. My solution was to write it down in a code that no one would be able to understand but me. When I found out that my first Confession would be held in a big open room, I was very unsettled with this set up and insisted that a room divider be pulled. I certainly did not want anyone to hear my words and see me inevitably cry. Janis laughed at how nervous I was, knowing that my life was about to change for the better. I dutifully went through my list, expecting the priest to be shocked. To my surprise, there was no expression on his face whatsoever. I naturally assumed that he had a hearing problem. However, he then repeated back to me every single thing that I had said in a calm, clear, and concise manner. That alone seemed supernatural. Then something amazing happened—I was forgiven. I did not realize until that very moment how much I had been defining myself by my sins, not until they were gone. Now, these things that seemed so huge and insurmountable were lifted off of my heart, mind, and soul as if they were a piece of lint on a sweater. I was floating on air.
As I entered December, my Confirmation date was fast approaching. Just five days before the day, I discovered Our Lady of Guadalupe. I was so astounded by what I had learned that I called my mother and insisted on going over immediately to tell her of this miracle. The Tilma is hard evidence of the supernatural and miraculous. The image in her eyes of the people in the room at that moment, the stars on her garment which match the stars in the sky that night, and all of the other miraculous elements still give me chills every time I think of it—not to mention the indisputable result of millions of people coming into the Catholic Faith because of her. She captured my heart as well, and still does. To this day, I keep asking myself, “Why isn’t everyone talking about this? Why isn’t this on the news every night?!”
Finally, the day came — December 17, 2017 — the day I became fully Catholic. My Confirmation ended up being at the Spanish Mass, which was a bit unusual. Thankfully, the Confirmation itself was in English, and I was proclaiming everything we had to say with such zeal that the priest put the microphone to my mouth. He put so much oil on my forehead that it dripped all over me, and I relished every moment. I never wanted that oil to be washed off; I was becoming something new. Then, the priest unexpectedly gave us his chalice to drink from, and it was heavier than expected. The Precious Blood ended up overflowing down my chin and onto my neck. I was horrified that I had desecrated our Lord in some way, but Janis assured me that his Precious Blood would be absorbed into my skin. I now smile, realizing Jesus was indeed covering me with His Precious Blood that day, preparing me for what was to come.
Buckle Up
As I like to say, when you say “yes” to the Lord, buckle up! One month later, in 2018, I started a Master’s Program in Theology and Christian Ministry online at Franciscan University of Steubenville. I did not have specific career goals in mind, but was simply a lover who wanted to know her beloved, and I thought this was the best way to do it. My parents came back to the Church later that year. In January 2020, I was laid off from my job at Twentieth Century Fox and began working for the Church remotely with DeSales Media Group in the Diocese of Brooklyn. In June 2021, I began working for my parish, St. John Vianney Catholic Church, and the Chapel of the Holy Cross in Sedona, Arizona.
The past few years have been a roller coaster! Our Pastor, Fr. Ignatius Mazanowski, came to our parish in May 2021. He has brought Catholicism to the forefront in Sedona, and it has been amazing to be a part of it. We have worked together to begin live streaming, updated our websites, launched our social media channels, digitized parish communications, expanded our ministries, led retreats each year, and much more! We witness our Lord healing people and bringing them back to His church every single week, especially at the Chapel of the Holy Cross. Father Ignatius began offering Adoration, Confession, and Mass at the Chapel, and it is absolutely beautiful to introduce millions of people to the beauty of our faith each year. We also have plans to build a Northern Arizona Catholic Center to provide healing, retreats, and formation.
I had the opportunity to go on a pilgrimage to France in April 2024, and I will be going on another pilgrimage to Italy in 2025. I graduated with my Master’s Degree in Theology and Christian Ministry with Honors in May 2024 and have already taught my first course in June 2024 with Fr. Ignatius. I’ve also had the opportunity to give several presentations at the Institute of Catholic Theology in Phoenix, Arizona. I often get to be the Cantor at Mass, and I am even in the process of applying to be in the Equestrian Order of the Holy Sepulchre of Jerusalem.
Almost every day, I look back in awe of what the Lord has done in my life. I am just happy to be in Mass every week, but He has even more planned for me and all of us. I have learned that He uses everything we have — all of our gifts — to build His kingdom. We were created for this purpose! All we need to do is surrender everything to Him, and He will take us to places we never dreamed we could go. It will not always be easy, but it will lead us closer to Him, and that is really the whole point! As St. Augustine said, “To fall in love with God is the greatest romance; to seek Him, the greatest adventure; to find Him, the greatest human achievement.” I have fallen deeply in love, I am experiencing adventures beyond my imagination and achieving communion with the One my heart has longed for my entire life.
