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llblarosa
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| Joined: | Thu Apr 10th, 2008 |
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| Posts: | 10 |
| First Name: | Lisa | | Gender: | Female | | Faith History: | Started Baptist, Tried Many, Converted to Catholicism |
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Posted: Mon Apr 21st, 2008 01:11 pm |
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| My husband and I have been divorced for almost 11 years. My sons are 14 and 11, so they were very small when we separated. We returned to Ohio, and my ex took a job in France. Later he moved to Florida, New Jersey, and back to Florida, back to New Jersey again. During that time he had little contact with my sons, seeing them perhaps only once per year and calling very infrequently. He remarried then divorced and started seeing another woman and lost his job, which took up a great deal of his time and resources. According to my divorce decree, I did not have to allow out of state visitation if I thought it was not appropriate. I felt then that it was not appropriate, because I think it was asking a lot of my small children to leave home/security for an annual visit. I told him at the time that if he would make more regular efforts to see them frequently, then I would feel more inclined to grant that out of state visitation. Now, he wants that out-of-state visitation and my children are old enough to handle a separation from home, but now they do not want to go. My ex says that he thinks I should make them go. Am I sinning by not forcing them to go now or even earlier when they were younger? Sometimes I feel like I am and other times I think not. Either way, I feel there is a dilemma here that keeps my ex-husband and I at odds, and I feel it is hurting our collective souls. What do you think?
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CajunRick
Network Helper
| Joined: | Fri Sep 29th, 2006 |
| Location: | Houma, Louisiana USA |
| Posts: | 5353 |
| First Name: | Rick (& Kermie) | | Gender: | Male | | Faith History: | Lifetime Catholic, Latin Rite |
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Posted: Mon Apr 21st, 2008 02:14 pm |
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llblarosa wrote: What do you think?
Strictly my opinion: I don't think you should force them, but I do think you should encourage them. Boys need a relationship with their fathers. However, it is his obligation to establish that relationship, not theirs. Perhaps if he came to visit them, they would get to know him better and be more open to visiting with him.
When we become parents we take on certain obligations, one of which is to be available to our children so they can have the opportunity to know and love us. It is not a child's fault if we fail in that obligation (even if it is necessary because of military service, etc.). They have a right to feel that he has abandoned them, and it is up to him to repair that relationship. As their mother, you have an obligation to assist, but not to force.
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Understanding is the reward of faith. Therefore seek not to understand that you may believe, but believe that you may understand. - Augustine
Rick Luquette
Luquette Lane
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llblarosa
Member
| Joined: | Thu Apr 10th, 2008 |
| Location: | |
| Posts: | 10 |
| First Name: | Lisa | | Gender: | Female | | Faith History: | Started Baptist, Tried Many, Converted to Catholicism |
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Posted: Mon Apr 21st, 2008 03:09 pm |
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| Thank you, Rick. I have shed numerous tears over this, and I am often very angry with him over it. I feel my anger hurts us all, because I am not always able to hide it (though I feel I do a moderately good job). I get over hurts quickly and try to remain positive when he does visit, but I cannot talk to him about my sons' pain over not having a participating father, because he says that he doesn't have a problem, only me and my sons. Is there any resolution for this for me, i.e. what can I say to him (my ex-husband)?
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CajunRick
Network Helper
| Joined: | Fri Sep 29th, 2006 |
| Location: | Houma, Louisiana USA |
| Posts: | 5353 |
| First Name: | Rick (& Kermie) | | Gender: | Male | | Faith History: | Lifetime Catholic, Latin Rite |
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Posted: Mon Apr 21st, 2008 03:22 pm |
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I am not a professional by any means, but I think your sons' attitudes speak for themselves.
Abandonment (physical, emotional, psychological, financial, etc.) is a form of child abuse. The offending parent is the one who needs to seek forgiveness, not the other way around. If you are shedding tears, it shows that the abuse continues (in my opinion). Sadly, many men who have emotionally abandoned their families blame their spouse and children so they do not have to accept the blame themselves.
He's right. He does not have a problem. You and your sons do. He is the cause. If I shoot you, I don't have a problem, you do. You're the one who's injured or dead. I get to walk away. (I'm not talking about deeper psychological problems, just the problem that results from the issue at hand.)
At 11 and 14, your sons are old enough to be consulted and have a say in any decisions made on their behalf. I would not force them. But again, that's just my opinion. I'm by no means an expert.
fpc@cajun.net
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Understanding is the reward of faith. Therefore seek not to understand that you may believe, but believe that you may understand. - Augustine
Rick Luquette
Luquette Lane
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