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Daffodil
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| Joined: | Sat Apr 21st, 2007 |
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| Posts: | 78 |
| First Name: | Daffodil | | Gender: | Female | | Faith History: | not attending church, New Age, Episcopalian, Catholic |
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Posted: Sun Oct 7th, 2007 01:11 am |
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| I don't want to sound stupid, but I really don't know this! In order to wait until such a time as to be able to be married in the Catholic Church, I will not be getting married this December. I will be moving to my fiance's new temporary base area(he is deployed right now), and attending counseling with him. However, it would be very difficult to have separate apartments, and very easy to have one. If we have separate bedrooms, is it considered cohabitation? We have a daughter together. We would be spending all of our time outside of work together anyways, and only leaving to sleep in separate locations. It would be less confusing for her if we were all in the same house. It would be cheaper, as well. Whenever I mention living separately to coworkers, they all look at me as if I've lost my marbles (they also think that waiting to get married is silly). What does the Church have to say on the matter? I am not yet Catholic, but will be at Easter. My priest is going to coordinate with my new parish so that I can finish RCIA there and enter the Church on schedule.
____________________
My soul magnifies the Lord,
and my spirit rejoices in God my Savior....
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Credo Catholic
Member
| Joined: | Sat May 5th, 2007 |
| Location: | Greenville, South Carolina USA |
| Posts: | 1382 |
| First Name: | Marsha | | Gender: | Female | | Faith History: | Baptist, Catholic |
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Posted: Sun Oct 7th, 2007 02:12 am |
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| Daffodil, you have been trying to get this done for the longest time! I congratulate you for sticking with it and trying to abide by the church's laws. I don't know what the moderators will say, but I'm thinking that living together would be considered scandalous behavior, and what they call a near occasion for sin. However, you will have to go over this with the priest anyway, so maybe he can advise you. I understand about the expense of two apartments, it's hard enough to pay rent for one when you're just starting out. But I don't think the church will take that convenience into consideration. They just want the behavior to be aboveboard. It's great that they are cooperating with the timing of you joining the church. God bless you and your fiance and help you through this!
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CajunRick
Network Helper
| Joined: | Fri Sep 29th, 2006 |
| Location: | Houma, Louisiana USA |
| Posts: | 5345 |
| First Name: | Rick (& Kermie) | | Gender: | Male | | Faith History: | Lifetime Catholic, Latin Rite |
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Posted: Sun Oct 7th, 2007 11:04 am |
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Daffodil wrote: If we have separate bedrooms, is it considered cohabitation? We have a daughter together.
Here's my opinion:
There are two types of sin here. The first is engaging in sexual relations outside of marriage. In the scenario you describe, that will not happen. Assuming that is the case, the Church would have no objection. The temptation will be great, but you can do it if you are truly committed.
The second is the sin of scandal, and the example you set for others in appearing to live together in a sexual relationship even if you don't engage in sex. Given the fact that you already have a daughter together and you plan to be married soon, I doubt if anyone will have a different opinion regardless of whether you live together or not. Frankly, most people will assume you are sexually active, and would feel that way even if you spent an hour a week together. You will know better.
Your daughter is in a little different situation. You didn't mention her age in this post (and if you have in the past, I apologize but my mind can't keep up with everyone's children! I have enough trouble remembering my own daughter's age.) but if she is old enough, it is important for her to understand the nature of your relationship. She needs to know that you sleep in separate bedrooms and only remain in each other's company in common living areas. It will help her to understand the difference in acceptable behavior between unmarried and married people. She can't see you coming out of each other's bedrooms when the doors have been closed (and especially not in the morning), and if she wakes up in the middle of the night, she can't find one bed still made. And she needs to know that even cold showers need to be taken alone!
Ultimately, "sin" is between you and God. If you are not in a sinful relationship, or offering a sinful example to others, the Church should have no objection. But different priests interpret things differently. I know some priests who will allow cohabitating couples to be married as long as they go to confession shortly before the wedding, and spend the night before the wedding apart. I know others who insist that couples live apart for months. The difference is in how they view the sin of scandal, because they are certainly aware that living arrangements do not control sexual behavior.
You mentioned being received at your own parish rather than the military base, but you didn't mention your intentions regarding the marriage. If you are also to be married at your parish, then you will have to discuss this with both priests. Ultimately it will be their determination.
____________________
Understanding is the reward of faith. Therefore seek not to understand that you may believe, but believe that you may understand. - Augustine
Rick Luquette
Luquette Lane
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Daffodil
Member
| Joined: | Sat Apr 21st, 2007 |
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| Posts: | 78 |
| First Name: | Daffodil | | Gender: | Female | | Faith History: | not attending church, New Age, Episcopalian, Catholic |
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Posted: Sun Oct 7th, 2007 03:06 pm |
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Ultimately, "sin" is between you and God. If you are not in a sinful relationship, or offering a sinful example to others, the Church should have no objection. But different priests interpret things differently. I know some priests who will allow cohabitating couples to be married as long as they go to confession shortly before the wedding, and spend the night before the wedding apart. I know others who insist that couples live apart for months. The difference is in how they view the sin of scandal, because they are certainly aware that living arrangements do not control sexual behavior.
I will talk to my priest about this. And then I will try to find out what parish is nearest my fiance's new temporary base, and contact that priest concerning this matter.
You mentioned being received at your own parish rather than the military base, but you didn't mention your intentions regarding the marriage. If you are also to be married at your parish, then you will have to discuss this with both priests. Ultimately it will be their determination.
I am not understanding this sentence, so I will make a guess. (sorry) I won't be allowed on the base unescorted since we won't be married, so I will have to finish my RCIA class offbase, unless my fiance is willing to escort me to class and attend every time, and unless we will have babysitting available to us.
He will attend Mass with me, even though he is not Catholic. His support in all of this has been wonderful. He knows and has acquiesced to our children being baptised and raised Catholic.
He has agreed to being married in the Catholic Church. Is this what you mean by my marriage intentions?
Thanks you for the good advice! 
Last edited on Sun Oct 7th, 2007 05:32 pm by Daffodil
____________________
My soul magnifies the Lord,
and my spirit rejoices in God my Savior....
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CajunRick
Network Helper
| Joined: | Fri Sep 29th, 2006 |
| Location: | Houma, Louisiana USA |
| Posts: | 5345 |
| First Name: | Rick (& Kermie) | | Gender: | Male | | Faith History: | Lifetime Catholic, Latin Rite |
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Posted: Sun Oct 7th, 2007 04:44 pm |
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Daffodil wrote: Is this what you mean by my marriage intentions?
I was actually referring to the "when and where". If you intend to be married in your home parish on the same day you are welcomed into the Church, then your priest in that parish will have to agree to the arrangements. If you will be married in your "new" parish (where you will be residing with your soon-to-be husband), it will be his decision. I do understand about base access, etc., but I'm sure the priest at the neighboring parish will be familiar with dealing with military issues.
Any priest can welcome you into the Church, and any priest can perform your marriage, so the rest is a matter of convenience and timing. Whatever your decisions, talk it over with all priests involved ahead of time to make sure they are agreeable and there won't be any snags.
____________________
Understanding is the reward of faith. Therefore seek not to understand that you may believe, but believe that you may understand. - Augustine
Rick Luquette
Luquette Lane
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mg57
Member
| Joined: | Mon Oct 9th, 2006 |
| Location: | Tolland County, Connecticut USA |
| Posts: | 180 |
| First Name: | mg57 | | Gender: | Male | | Faith History: | Infant Baptised Catholic |
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Posted: Mon Oct 8th, 2007 12:15 pm |
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Daffodil -
You mentioned -
"Whenever I mention living separately to coworkers, they all look at me as if I've lost my marbles (they also think that waiting to get married is silly). "
We Catholics (all of us) should try to remember that, among other things, are called to change / challenge / evangelize the prevailing culture, - as John Paul II used to exhort us to do, by example first and then word.
The mindset behind co-habitation and contraception has already brought many to the point of not considering marriage at all.
The deterioration of which is evidenced to me by clients of mine who are public school teachers, who are fairly unanimous in saying that now much of their classtime has to be devoted, for example, to non-academic issues such as basic social skills and hygiene which, for the most part, were formerly learned within the family.
http://www.renewalministries.net/audio/tcwf_0718.ram
God Bless you and provide you with the graces you need every day.
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Daffodil
Member
| Joined: | Sat Apr 21st, 2007 |
| Location: | |
| Posts: | 78 |
| First Name: | Daffodil | | Gender: | Female | | Faith History: | not attending church, New Age, Episcopalian, Catholic |
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Posted: Mon Oct 8th, 2007 11:23 pm |
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We Catholics (all of us) should try to remember that, among other things, are called to change / challenge / evangelize the prevailing culture, - as John Paul II used to exhort us to do, by example first and then word. I'm not Catholic yet, but will take these words to heart! Thanks.
____________________
My soul magnifies the Lord,
and my spirit rejoices in God my Savior....
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